by Goy
Ben-Yahweh (The Prodigal)
He has no
passion, no feelings, no real affection – and crazy discipline. He has few temptations in life because he doesn't really want to do anything “bad.” Heck,
he hardly wants to do anything good, even.
He reads 2
Samuel 11 and says, “I would never skip the battle, sleep with Bathsheba and
murder Uriah.” Of course what he fails
to say is that he also would never be a zealous warrior-king like David. He never would have danced or played music or
written poetry or been a man after God’s own heart. He’s just a rule-following robot.
A friend
sent me this note in response to my big brother’s letter from yesterday:
Gives me a stomach ache just thinking about not forgiving, particularly when a person has come home in great humility, asking for forgiveness and willing to be a servant. "Your" older brother is in big trouble, what a miserable sad person he is, that needs a big hug and to be reassured that he is loved. The family needs some lessons in our Father's love. If he would listen, I know Jesus could help him! He needs our prayers!
She reminds
me of another friend asking me at church
if I was going to forgive Israel (my brother). The answer I gave was, “Of course!” But I wasn't sincere. I’m sick of being judged by this guy. For whatever reason, he (like much of our
family), is judgmental and self-righteous.
How can I forgive a person who prays like this?
“God, I thank You that I’m not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or like my little brother, Goy. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.” Luke 18:11-12
They don’t
like people like me. We are disgusting
to them. Dad wants them to go looking
for us and rescue us with joy – to leave the 99 sheep at home and go to the
faraway land and find us before we fall all the way down to be with the
pigs. He wants them to tear the house
apart looking for us, and party when we’re found [Luke 15].
But they
know we use bad language, we’re dirty, and do disgusting things; and they want
nothing to do with us. They know we’re
liars, adulterers, weak, gluttonous partiers who have many vile habits. They
hate us more than Jonah hated Assyrians, and run in the opposite direction from
us.
They not
only won’t come looking for us, they aren’t even happy when we repent. Like my brother’s letter yesterday, or Jonah’s
response to God’s forgiveness:
When God saw their deeds, that they turned from their wicked way, then God relented concerning the calamity which He had declared He would bring upon them. And He didn't do it.
But it greatly displeased Jonah and he became angry. He prayed to Yahweh and said,
“Please Yahweh, wasn't this what I said while I was still at home? Therefore in order to forestall this I fled, for I knew that You are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abundant in loving-kindness, and one who relents concerning calamity. Therefore now, Yahweh, please take my life from me, for death is better to me than life.” Jonah 3:10-4:3
I remember once a young server who was learning a new job. She had been a
server before and had been very upset with newbies because they were so
stupid, and now she was one of the stupid new people and she sickened
herself. When I suggested she show more
mercy/grace/forgiveness to herself and then remember to be kind to other new
people in the future, she accepted it with her head, but I could tell her heart
wasn't in it. You see, she’s one of
those strong, disciplined people who don’t understand us weaker souls and finds
us repugnant. They thank God they’re not
like us.
Another was
trying to get members of God’s house to be more obedient and faithful, but his
patience was always pushed to the limit as he saw their shallowness and it made
him sick.
Shoot, I've done the same thing myself!
Once I get
cleaned up and get home and things are going well, I often wonder why others
don’t come along and join the party at Dad’s house. It’s an invitation to a banquet, for crying out
loud. All Father asks is that you clean
up and obey! And then I remember my own
wrong-headedness, and I’m ashamed of myself. Yes, I forget what I've been, and how far the
grace of God has carried me, and not me carrying myself.
But big
brother and those like him (it seems to me) are never ashamed of
themselves. I don’t think they know how
hard it is. They don’t know my circumstances
or anything else, and yet they are so judgmental and impatient – even while
claiming to be in Yahweh’s household? I'm glad I'm not like them.
So my
friends think I should forgive my older brother who is angry that I've come
home. But here’s the thing: I don’t
understand him, and - he isn't asking for any forgiveness or offering
fellowship. Shoot, he doesn't think he’s
done anything wrong! And … he makes it
almost impossible for any of the rest of us to come home, because we all know
we’ll have to face the self-righteous jerk.
As he said
himself, if Dad forces him to pretend to be welcoming he will, but he never
will from the heart – just his discipline.
He will never, ever actually be happy that I’m home. He will never, ever forget my mistakes and
hold them against me. He’ll make me
spend the rest of my life in his service, trying to force me to “prove” myself –
to prove that I’m really faithful this time and can be trusted.
Well, of
course I can’t be trusted; who can be trusted, but God?
I can only be
forgiven, loved, and welcomed home when I repent.
Ahh,,,what
do I know?
I’m just a sinner who wants
to be a servant in the household.
Fortunately
for me, that’s Father’s decision and not my so-called “brother’s.”
So … should
I forgive the self-righteous jerk? Maybe
later. Right now I think I’ll call him a
few more names and taunt him a while.
After all, he’s not following Dad’s rule to accept me after I've repented,
so really he doesn't deserve it –
does he?
Now that I
think of it, the jerk is right about one thing: forgiveness is stupid.
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